Setting the Scene: Where We Find our Heroine

An Introduction

Main Character- Magdalene 

There was always some part of my adult self that hoped this diary and the intention behind it would actually happen. I'd wondered what it would be like to have a life in which such freedom, such open exploration to become a ‘hoe’ would be possible. There was a large part of me that never believed I'd find the space or permission to bring The Hoe Diary, and more specifically my hoe life, to fruition. And because of that, I lived in silent heartbreak, fully aware that with each passing day, a wild part of me was slipping away.

But now?

Here we are, embarking on what is probably the most terrifying/vulnerable/liberating journey of my young life thus far. 

Now, a little about me before we jump right in to the tea:

I am a white, cisgendered, able-bodied, mentally healthy young woman with a college education, a middle class life, and a cat. I was born in the heart of the Appalachian wilderness, the oldest daughter of a pastor with one younger sibling in a two parent household. I was raised within the embrace  of white, heterosexual, Evangelical Christianity. Both a blessing and a curse, this childhood planted and nurtured very specific beliefs in me about a number of important things in life, such as sex, bodily autonomy, liberation, goodness, purity, privilege, evil, sin, corruption, and the like. These notions heavily impacted every part of my perception of myself and the world around me. Six years and a lot of therapy later, I have come to terms with this upbringing and have made peace with it (for the most part lol).  

My community taught me so much, and nothing at all, about 'the birds and the bees'. I learned about the consequences of sexual interactions outside of marriage. I learned of the benefits of abstaining from sexual intimacy. I learned the value of my virginity, and the responsibility I had as a woman to preserve it at all costs. We shall loosely refer to such learnings as Purity Culture, something that I will be writing extensively about in this blog. I learned that, within the covenant of marriage, sex was good, pure and wonderful. Abiding the Bible’s sexual rules meant your sex life would be divinely blessed. Sex outside of the covenant of marriage, however, was doomed from the start and would inevitably leave you with lasting, irreparable damage, making it much harder to find a life partner who would value you. 

While in this space, I learned about the value of my body. I learned how to ‘handle’, repress, ignore , and use her sexual urges to my advantage.  I also learned about the ways of men (I use the term men to refer to all who identify as straight and cisgendered), understanding that all they wanted from me was sex. It was the man’s job to want to have sex and it was the woman’s job to say no to sex. 

Needless to say, the world of sexuality was terrifying for me. It became this huge, untouchable thing in my life, meant for a 'someday' adult Leah who would just wake up and inherently ‘get it’. The the sexual urges I felt as a teenager? Those powerful hormonal desires that would whip all rational thought from mind? I became a master at ignoring them, for I didn’t trust them to be ‘of God’. I became so skilled at disassociating from my body’s urges that there eventually came a day I forgot I had a body to begin with, let alone a vagina. 

It's within such a context that I entered the first romantic phase of my young life: dating for marriage. My relationship with the first man I believed would be my husband confirmed all of my worst beliefs about sex, sexuality, men, and my body. Boundaries were crossed and many mistakes were made. Panic attacks were had. My self-worth grew smaller and smaller. My self-hatred grew larger and larger. I came to agree with the purity teachings of my youth- extramarital, sexual intimacy was bad and damaged you beyond repair.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.  

When that relationship finally ended, I was resolute in my decision to never touch my sexuality again, no matter how much my body longed for physical intimacy. I vowed to shrink myself, molding me to fit whatever cage I needed to to stay safe and not experience pain ever again. Yet, that little voice in my mind longed for freedom- the kind of freedom I read about in books, where the main character threw all fear and caution to the wind and simply lived for living’s sake, running headlong into all the messiness and chaos of life with wild abandon. I yearned for the space to explore every curiosity without fear or shame. But I never thought such a thing was possible, so I jumped into another long term relationship instead.

Where the first sexual partner was filled with regrets, my second was everything I needed at that time. He was my safe space. My comfort. My home. He was the man who walked with me through countless hours of therapy, who listened as I processed all of my trauma and baggage. Who never pushed me past my limits and loved me where I was. He was the man with whom I knew I could trust my body to fully. In our second year of dating, we slept together for the first time. Gasp!!! We were both virgins, and the experience was beautiful, awkward, and perfect. We were so excited. We were so proud. And for a time, life was perfect as we made love and fucked to our heart's content.

But then...... then my body numbed again. It was a slow fade. One that crept centimeter by centimeter up from my toes to my head. And there was nothing I felt I could do to stop it. Over the course of months, I watched as if from above as my light began to dim yet again. And I reacted as I'd always done-I pretended everything was fine and once again ignored my body. That fire died within me, slowly burning to embers. I looked sadly upon those embers, resigned to the belief that my sexual life would always be a dim light instead of the vibrant flame I had once hoped it could be.

Until one day, I couldn't stay resigned to the numbness any more. It was killing me, and I realized I was walking down the same path that my foremothers took, leading to the death of their own flames.

So I set myself free.

Free to finally move into that life that I never truly believed was possible. Sure, other women in movies, books, and tv shows could enjoy such liberation, but never I. Never until this moment. And now- here I am. A twenty-something in the physical prime of my life, entirely untethered and burning to try whatever the fuck I want with whoever the fuck I want, as ethically as possible. 

I acknowledge that who and where I am in this stage of life is the most free I may ever be. I don’t bear the same obligations that the women around me do, with no children, no partner, no home, no corporate job- only me. I am adrift on the wind of life. Now is the time to lose myself in my curiosities. Now is the time to be bold and to step into a new version of myself. I’m not going to lie though. I am fucking terrified. The dating world has long intimidated me and now that I am stepping into it fully, I see there is still so much left to learn. And I see how little I know about the world.

And yet.....

The world is my oyster. My options are limitless. And I finally find myself in a space both mentally and physically to begin exploring this part of myself fully, without shame or reservation. 

My intention for my hoe-ventures is to ignite the  higher, more powerful version of myself- that inherent divine erotic feminine energy gifted to every women.  This divine sexuality is the key to my authentic, true self and I am determined to bring her back to  life and to never repress her again. This is the time of life when I get to- safely- test every desire, every curiosity, and every avenue I wish. This is when I get to explore my own body and the bodies of others. This is when I get to practice saying yes and no, stop and go, I want this, I like that, get the fuck away from me. This is when I get to learn to love my body. This is when I get to grow. And I truly could not be more excited (and nervous).

So I introduce The Hoe Diary to you, my dear reader, which shall be our companion through every high and low that my upcoming adventures have to offer. It will be a witness to my life, to the pursuit of the very thing I was taught to fear as a child- a divine, liberated, healthy sexual life. May you come to cherish these accounts as much as I do. Wish me luck!

With Love,